Accepting my Gayness...

The most difficult thing for many homosexuals is coming out to their friends, family and co-workers. I knew from a very early age that I was attracted to females and not males. I was born July 4, 1970 to Southern Baptist Parents whose ideas of homosexuality were made very clear to me very early in life. Girls were girls and Boys were boys...anything in between was an abomination. While my parents did not force religion upon us, their religious beliefs certainly shaped their ideas and morals. So the attraction that I had to females I attempted to repress(unsuccessfully) and made every attempt to date and have relationships with males. I went to my Junior High School Prom dressed like a Princess and to my High School Prom looking like the blushing bride or debutante. As a pre-teen I fantasized of waking up and discovering that I had turned into a boy and that now I could date all of the girls that I had longed for. This never happened; however I wrote a nice short story about a girl who did just that. I thought my mother was going to have a stroke...beat the hell out of me...then have a heart attack when she found the story and read it. I calmly explained to her that the story did not mean anything; it was just one of my quirky stories. Since I always thought of and wrote about the impossible she half-heartedly believed me. Needless to say, I stopped writing after my mother discovered this story. I attempted to have relationships with guys but I never seemed to be too interested in them...well never as interested in them as I was my female friends.

1988 I went away to college and met the most remarkable women and friends. I do not believe that I could have ever asked for a better college experience. Anyway back on track, I simultaneously met the first male I would love and the first female I would love. My close friend, Angela and the man I would lose my virginity to, Daryl. While Daryl and I were in a relationship and we seemed to be happy...I truly enjoyed the time I spent with him and I loved him deeply(was never in love); I cherished the moments I spent with Angela more. We did everything together...we were roommates, we slept in the same bed(non-sexual), ate together...our relationship was truly emotional and wonderful. I enjoyed my freshman year so much that I was suspended for academic reasons. During that year things changed between Angela, Daryl and me...while we drifted apart somewhat, we remained close. But I no longer had my male boyfriend and my female(non-sexual)lover.

1990 I returned to campus and Angela had her baby, Daryl had withdrew from the school and was back in Buffalo with no plans to return. All that was left was bitter memories of a year that helped to move me closer to accepting my gayness. While 1988 was good 1990 promised to introduce me to the person that I would fall in love with...long for...and eventually become my lifelong and closet friend. The person that I nicknamed 'Sunshine' because on my darkest days she seemed to be that glimmer of hope for me. I think it would be safe to say that she sought me out as a friend, and I am glad that she did. She would come to my room to pick me up for lunch and we would eat dinner together on occasion. Soon you did not see one of us without the other. We would laugh and play like little kids and by my Senior Year we were living in the same house. And although we both had our own respective rooms, we often slept in the living room, so that we were sleeping, although not with each other, in the same space as the other. We slept by the fireplace, laughed and talked until we fell asleep. By 1992 people had begun to say that it seemed like we were married, we waited for the other to eat(arguments would ensue if I ate without her), we did everything together. I think some people thought we were dating, but it was really innocent. I could go on and on but I think she deserves her own Blog as the relationship was and is that special to me.

1995, I came out to my family and friends...to Sunshine. It took alot for me to do this but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Well that is until I came out to my Mother and Step-Father. I was told that it was a phase, I was offered a new car to help me move past this phase and finally I was informed that they 'would rather I had been addicted to drugs than to be gay' and my mother stopped having any real communication with me for several months. Thank God for my siblings and friends, who were very supportive. My mother eventually started accepting me, not without a fight however. She constantly asked if I had to look so "Gay", and if I could tone down my look. I never relented, I had come out of the closet and it felt good. I had no desire to be pushed back into the closet, not even by my mother,whom I respect and admire more than anyone in the world. 2009 my mother picks out nice men's shoes and shirts for me...while she misses her little girl, she loves her daughter and accepts me for who I am. I have learned in these past 14 years that if I want people to accept my gayness...then I too must accept and respect my gayness.